Day 21

So, initially there was a group of 11 of us volunteers who started on the same day. The group is slowly dwindling as people have various end dates ranging from 2-12 weeks. Of the original 11, I made it to third place. Some were out of the race the first week, others made it to last week, I made it to almost the end of my third week. Today, after 21 days in Kenya, I missed a day of work. I woke up with an excruciating headache, which is odd because I'm not a headache-y person. When I get sick I usually get a sore throat or stuffy nose or something, but my head was pounding, so I stayed home. I imagine this is what a migraine feels like, and if it is then my heart goes out to migraine sufferers because it's very disorienting to have your head hurt like this. I suppose it's better than the alternative illness many of my co-volunteers have been getting: projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhea.

Last night after I left the internet cafe I went to the Royal Castle Hotel where every Wednesday there's a volunteer meeting. On the way there some street boys were begging for money and I said no. Then one said "You, from Dickson". I whirled around and said "What?" He said "You're from Dickson" and I said "How do you know that?" and he said "I was at Onesmus" and that's when I recognized his face. (Side note: I never stared working at Onesmus like they wanted me to, another volunteer preferred working with the street boys and I prefer the orphans, so it never happened, but there is various co-mingling going on between the two homes). I asked him what he was doing out on the street and he said he ran away from Onesmus. I ran inside and grabbed Idiot and told her to stay with the boy while I made some calls. I finally got a hold of Matheka, the man who owns Onesmus and Dickson and Matheka said the boy has run away over 5 times and after the 5th time they stop chasing the boys.

Normally if a boy runs away, Matheka goes to all the spots and hunts the boy down and brings him back to Onesmus, but after so many times he just has to give up. Sometimes Matheka spends all night out driving from spot to spot to help these boys. It was another gut wrenching moment. Here's a boy who was inches from being saved from a life on the street. He was living in Onesmus, getting his shit together, then the allure of some street "friends" and their glue drew him away time and time again and now he's done. I stood there with Idiot not knowing what to do. Matheka said to just go to the meeting and understand you can't help everyone, especially those who don't want it, but it was so hard. I waited outside til I finished crying so I didn't look like a big drama queen walking into the meeting looking like a lil bitch assed pussy, but it was really disturbing. I was on the brink of having an anxiety attack but thankfully I had some of the Xanax I got in my bag. Now that I'm typing this I feel like maybe that's what pushed me over the edge and sort of crippled me this morning.

It's like every time I get my shit together here and put up another emotional wall and try to accept that change is slow and things are different and hard, I get another swift kick in the balls. I know it sounds like I'm crying all the time, but I'm really not, just a few times. Also, it's not like I'm sobbing hysterically, I just can't control the tears at times. When I say "cry" it's like when I say I had sex with someone. When I say cry doesn't mean hysterical sobs and when I say sex it doesn't mean full-on anal penetration. It's just short hand.

Speaking of full-on anal penetration, I spent the meeting chatting up Stallion and it took all my strength to keep myself from knocking him out of his chair, covering his body in passion fruit juice, and licking it off. I swear after my 6 weeks here I'm going to have more self control than Buddhist monks.

Back to corruption, a girl had a crate of goods sent here for her project. There are tons of clothes and toys and a couple of bikes in the crate. The mail system won't release it to her until she pays them 1,000,000 Kenyan Shillings, or about $15, 384.62. Are you starting to get an idea of what it's like here?

Obviously I have no news about my project since I didn't go today. Hopefully Idiot and Clueless, left to their own devices, didn't burn the place down.

Going home to take a nap, headache still pounding. Much love.