Day 34

Happy 4th of July! You lucky bastards better be kissing the ground and kissing the good lord's ass because YOU are fortunate enough to live in America. We have our problems, but it truly is the best place to live and be. I know some of you douche bags are gonna say, "What about Canada?" but I say Fuck Canada, U.S.A. all the way. Seriously, we have it made. Also, if by some grace of God Barack Obama becomes our next president (I don't see it happening) but if he does, and we have a black, Muslim president, I really think it will help eradicate the memory of the last 8 years both from our minds and from the rest of the world. We will then truly be the Prom Queens of the world.

Today was another tired day. I think I'm not sleeping well because my mind is racing all the time. My time is far too quickly dwindling away and I'm not ready to leave. Well, I'm ready to leave Kenya, but not ready to leave my kids. I'm scared that on my last day I'm going to have a panic attack and sob all day and then I'll be forever known at Dickson as that crazy crying mzungu with the fabulous arms.

I got a Port Reitz matatu today, which is the 2nd time EVER! Because they are so far and few in between, they are packed to the gills. Just try to guess how many people were crammed into a 12 person mutato. Seriously, take a moment and think about that. 12 seats, 12 seatbelts, how many people were on there when I got off the mutato? I'll tell you. 21. 21 people were crammed into that mini bus. My head was tilted because some fat Kenyans belly was pressed into it for a solid mile. There was torrential rain otherwise I would have gotten out and walked. Also, thank God it was cold because the smell would have been devastating had it been warm.

The rain made me realize something interesting about Kenyans. They don't view the rain as a problem. It was raining all morning and looked like it was going to rain all day, yet NO ONE had an umbrella. Everyone was just sopping wet. Now, I'm exaggerating of course, there were SOME people with umbrellas, but I could easily spot and count the umbrella'd people. Now, the umbrellas are cheap shit (much like in NYC) and sell for nothing, so it's not that they CAN'T have umbrellas, they just don't. It struck me as odd because they believe that drinking cold beverages leads to illness because it makes you cold from the inside, but they don't think walking in the rain makes you sick? It's obviously impossible to correct all the misinformation that floats around, but this was one I fought, and lost. The children are simply not allowed cold beverages because it will make them sick. Warm only. Including soda. Warm soda? Gag me with a spoon!

C.U.N.T. did not catch the Port Reitz matatu. C.U.N.T. did not have an umbrella. She arrived soaked. =)

So after I clean the living room, I open the patio door at Dickson and clean the patio. Every day I want to comment on this, but I keep forgetting. Finally today I wrote it down in my little notebook. EVERYTHING in Mombasa is locked up like it's freaking Fort Knox. On the patio door there is a barrel bolt at the bottom of the door, one at the top of the door, a key lock, a dead blot, and a second dead bolt. Every day ALL of them are fastened. At my homestay there's a chain, a deadbolt, a key lock, a barrel bolt at the bottom, a barrel bolt at the top, an iron door on the outside with 4, yes FOUR iron barrel bolts, one of which is padlocked. All of those are locked at night. Honestly it would take a battering ram, blow torch, and some explosives to get through. Given that the biggest crime here is pickpocketing, I don't really understand the massive security. I guess the locks were installed a few years ago, you know, when there was mass genocide going on and human heads on the roads. At any rate, I find the locking up to be overkill these days, but whatevs.

During our morning walk, Manu had to pee and we've been instructed to allow the children to relieve themselves on the roadside so as to prevent them from wetting themselves. The problem lies in that when one has to pee on the roadside, the rest WANT to pee on the roadside, so it ends up being a big pee fest. Now this is particularly ironic because it is sheer torture to get them to go upstairs and use their potties when we're at Dickson, but take them outside and they want to pee on everything. So fine, Manu pees. Then Moses and Mwangi want to pee so I pull their pants down. Mwangi wants to squat and pee so he makes me take his pants completely off. Fine. He squats...and then...he shits. No, actually, he doesn't shit so much as he explodes. I'd estimate a solid two cups, that's 16 oz, of diarrhea with spinach in it (yesterday's lunch). There's so much that the other children start screaming and shrieking but then after a while end up staring in wide eyed silence because it just doesn't stop. I was floored. I thought Manu was the king of shitting more than his own body weight, but with 10 days before I leave, here comes Mwangi to vie for the title of Champion Shitter. Praise Jesus I had a roll of toilet paper in my backpack for my own hellish allergies and for all their snot. I wiped him and threw the TP in a bush and then doused him in instant hand sanitizer. In case the assumption wasn't made by you, dear reader, let me assure you that he did shit on himself (his legs mostly) because as I said, it was 16 oz of diarrhea. It's hard to control. Every single fucking day I hit my humiliation low and every single fucking day something new happens. First it was Nima-wipes-orphan-ass, then it was Nima-wipes-orphan-diarrhea, then it was Nima-breaks-poop-with-a-stick, then it was Nima-cleans-up-monkey-poop, now it's Nima-cleans-diarrhea-mess-on-morning-walk. I'm just on the edge of my seat as to what tomorrow will bring.

Ok, a few last things and then I really have to go.

1) During my list of how disgusting I am, I forgot to mention that I perpetually have gunk in the corner of my eye. It's disgusting but all the dirt and wind in your eyes make that shit form so quickly. I don't even know what it is, but everyone has it seeping out of the corners of their eyes and I am no exception. It literally makes my stomach churn.

2) We had no power again. Honestly, water and power, too much to ask?

3) It's really a jungle out here. It occurred to me that on any given day I see no less than at least one of each of the following: birds, cows, dogs, goats, chickens, cats, butterflies, spiders, lizards, mosquitoes, flies, and monkeys.

Finally, I'm now 100% certain as to which of my children is the gay one. There has to be at least 1, and it's got to be Brian. In addition to the million other clues, today he was running around in a pink butterfly mask and wearing my camera case like a purse. Sigh, takes me back to my childhood.