Day 14 v2.0

Children are fucking assholes. Apparently one should start a writing with a good lead, and I think that one's pretty catchy. The kids were fine today, but they are total assholes. I will ask 20 children in a row if they want to go down and swing on the tire and I'll push them and all 20 say no. Then I ask child 21 and that child says yes. 2 minutes after we're down there, all 20 children now clamor for their turn and are desperate to swing. Why do kids do this? Fucking assholes man.

Last night I had to repeatedly say no to a mother and her two kids because I had no food and you're not supposed to give them money. I thought about going and buying some food from the nearby fruit cart but the mother on the median was watching us, gauging whether or not to send her children over, so I would have had to buy for them too and it was just too much. It was like someone had a razor and was slashing my heart every time I said no. Seriously. Try it. Saying no to a young, homeless mother and her two little kids is insane.

I stopped by the Castle Hotel on the way home to get some dinner and vodka with passion fruit juice (I sorely needed a cocktail after that) and the waitress complimented my shirt and then asked me if she could have it. I waited for the joke. There was none. I asked her what I would wear home and she said I could bring it for her another day. So I took the shirt today and dropped it off for her. It's an H&M men's button down t-shirt, but she really took a liking to it, so what the hell? It was definitely an odd encounter tho...

On the way home I opened a pack of Mentos I purchased when I first got here. There were ants all over it. A new roll too. Bastards.

Last night when I got home I had to make one of the house moms a CD. She asked me if I could make her one (I think she's having a party or something) and I asked her what she wanted on it. I don't think you could even guess her response and it's even funnier that she would ask me. She asked if I could make her a CD of gospel music. I looked at her for a second and didn't say anything because I was kind of stunned. Gospel music? Lemme check my iTunes. I said I couldn't because I didn't have any, but I could try to put something together that was close. She said that would be great. I was actually surprised with what I came up with. "Angel" by Sarah Maclaughlan, "Like A Prayer" by Madonna, "Angels" by Jessica Simpson (I don't know why I don't have Robbie Williams' version), "Have a Little Faith in Me" by Jewel, and a bunch more. I managed to fill a CD. I was impressed. I almost put Tori Amos' "God" on there but then realized the lyrics are "God sometimes you just don't come through" and I don't think she'd be pleased.

So the new volunteer had locked up the volunteer house when I arrived at Dickson so I asked her for the key. I asked her if she needed to have it locked up during the day and she said she did. I then said how about if she just locked up her room. She said that would be fine because that's where her valuables are. I wanted to slap her. The locks are because the little children will steal your Nutella, not your camera. She's pretty passive and only here for 2 weeks. We'll see how she does.

2 of the housemoms are sick (one with malaria) and several of the children are. I normally wash my hands 5-6 times a day there and today I think I hit 12. Everyone is sick so I'm scrubbing like a surgeon and doling out pills like a pharmacist. Before she was diagnosed with malaria, one of the housemoms was so crippled I had to slip her a few vicodin. It's a scary disease man. And you know these women are in pain when they say they are in pain because they are fucking work horses. They are these unstoppable machines, so if they're out, it's no joke.

I showed my competency today by fixing the kitchen sink drain. Some jackass washed rice in the sink and it filled the drain and water couldn't go down and they just kept plunging the drain to no avail. When they finally gave up I took apart the sink and got all the rice out. They were pretty impressed, so I scored some competency points today. PLUS, I've sort of learned how to use the bundle of sticks. I won't dare say I've mastered it, but I can sort of do it.

In the morning I did an English lesson with Brian, Nelson, and Mary. They had 10 sentences they had to write out and then fill in the last word of the sentence from a list of words. Mary is amazing in her reading, comprehension, and English. I think she's 5 or 6 and she's brilliant. Can be kind of cunt-y sometimes, but so can we all. After that, I played with Mwangi and Manu a bit and went to get my daily Red Bull and was sitting outside when they came over and asked what it was. I said it was for grown ups but they could have a sip if they brought a cup. The cook came outside with Mwangi and Manu and was lecturing them in Swahili and said he didn't think the kids should have any. I said why and he said they shouldn't be drinking alcohol. I looked at him and, again, was waiting for the joke. There was none. They have been thinking that I'm drinking a can of some sort of alcoholic beverage every day and have not said anything. I told him that it wasn't, showed him the can, and said "You should know I would never bring alcohol here and I would never drink around the children." He laughed and was really relieved because they had all been thinking I was drinking a can of liquor every morning.

Speaking of irresponsibility, I had another dream last night that I remember. I think it's the call to pray by the Muslims that helps me remember. I don't usually wake up in the middle of the night (despite being a very restless sleeper) and so I guess being woken up in the middle of REM sleep is helping me remember my dreams. Anyway, I dreamt that I was at Ridgedale Mall, the mall by my house growing up that I spent every waking minute in. So I was at Ridgedale and I was there with Moses and somehow he got lost. I freaked out and was calling the cops and getting security and had them barricade the entire mall and was fucking hysterical but belligerently lawyer-like and demanding things and threatening people and bitching out the cops to fan out and cover more area and stuff. I was a fucking nightmare to tangle with. I finally found him in Marshall-Fields and nearly suffocated him hugging and squeezing him. Also, the feeling of panic I had the whole time was so real it's scary. So hopefully that dream means in a crisis I will be good to have around and make sure shit gets done right. Also in my dream, one of the cops was Judd Hirsh. This is probably because Micah is obsessed with "Without A Trace" and it's about a kidnapping and Judd Hirsch plays a cop in it. So today when I saw Moses I had this incredible feeling of panic and excitement. It was weird. Like I forgot the dream and then remembered it and was so relieved it was a dream. I scooped him up and held him for a really long time and then went and rolled a marble around with him for like 20 minutes. I think he was pretty confused.

Lunch was a mixture of beans and more beans. I almost threw it up today when I saw one of the girls' legs. One of the older girls that I don't see as much. It was covered with burn marks and scars. I know from her file where they came from, but I had never seen them before. Again, I really truly think I could kill these people. How does a human being torture another human being, let alone a child, let alone their own child? Also, one of the other girls was sitting alone and I noticed when she sits she keeps her hand up to her face. I had noticed this a few times before and thought it was the sun, but today it was obvious that's how she sits. Hiding. She has some social problems with the other kids and last year she only said 2 words to me the entire time. When I would say hello she would smile and look down. Then I read her file. Her family sold her as a sex slave before she turned 12. Twice. Apparently she got away and found her parents again only to be sold again. She's so pretty too and to see her alone and covering her face like that just broke my heart. I know I say that a lot, but honestly, I don't think there's a better way of expressing it. You feel this dull, ache-y pain in your chest that goes all the way to your stomach and I have to force myself to inhale a breath and exhale again. Selling your child as a sex slave. It's just so outside my realm of conception that it's like saying they sold her to aliens from Mars; it's just unfathomable.

We watched Zorro, again, today. Roda was and I were sharing an armchair and she was like snuggled up next to me, sort of resting her head on my legs and I was rubbing her back and all I wanted to do was stand up. I felt like I was going to suffer from deep vein thrombosis. My legs were dead asleep, but I didn't want to shift because it was so pleasant and she and I weren't that close last year, so I was relishing in the moment and trying to be soothing and comforting, but around when Antonio and Catherine meet I had to shift and when we shifted she got up and left. I'm sure she was just bored with the movie, but I knew that if we changed positions she'd leave and I wanted to sort of bond with her, build some sort of rapport of comfort and trust, before shifting my legs.

Someone left a very supportive comment on the blog a few days ago, but it was signed anonymous, so if you don't have a named account, leave your name so I know who's sending the love!

I ended the day wrestling with the boys. Thank God they're small because they jump on me as though I'm not. I'm strong, but fuck man, I'm 5'7 and three kids jumping on me will bring me crashing down. Vincent will run up and jump on my back and then Brian will and then Nelson will jump on my front. I can stand still, but if I try to move we all come crashing down and I'm terrified I'm gonna snap one of their femurs in this pile of children we create.

On the way home I alternated between flashing the piece sign and doing the straight guy head nod thing I hate. I'm wearing my headphones so I can't say "mambo" anymore. I have to acknowledge them though because if I look anywhere but straight ahead, I'll lock eyes with someone staring at me. I think not shifting my eyes around a bit and not acknowledging them makes me seem submissive and unless we're in bed I don't want to seem submissive. It's just such a hassle to be openly stared at all the time, which sounds odd coming from Mr. Exhibition, but it's different and it is a hassle.

Something funny. Um. Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" is playing in the internet cafe right now. It's a pretty hysterical music video. Um. Oh. I've taken to furiously shaking my head no like a lunatic so as to not mistakenly do the Iranian head nod thing.